“A woman needs to understand that a man can love her and still sleep with other women. It doesn’t mean anything besides sex.”
I remember when a now-ex told me this years ago, when it was revealed that he was sleeping with another woman behind my back. I was furious that he had the balls to utter such words to me, but I after some thought, I thought he could be on to something.
Is being monogamous overrated, I pondered? Was I kidding myself into thinking that one man and one woman can be together forever without going outside of their relationship for extracurricular loving? Some would say I am outright stupid for believing that the ideal exists.
After he and I split up, I started to see someone else. Nothing too serious, just someone to take care of my needs on my terms. Ex eventually visits house and asks me if I was sleeping with someone else.
“A woman can love a man, but still sleep with other men. It doesn’t mean anything besides sex,” I told him. He had the nerve to get pissed off, stormed out the house and didn’t speak to me for years after that.
Amazing how some men can’t handle when the tables turn? Some shit.
Here lately, I’ve been having a conversation regarding fidelity with a number of my female friends, sparked by a memes posted in a group I’m in. I can’t remember it verbatim but it queried how man chose between women who they decided to just sleep with versus women who they decided to have relationships with or marry.
Ominously, but not surprisingly, the men in the group did not answer the memes. Not one. But they are chatty any other time. What does that tell you right there?
I posted it on my WhatsApp story and the responses and again silence…until one male responded—with a short video clip. He simply said: “This should answer the question, but why would a woman ask such a question anyway?”
The video blew my mind. A woman was speaking about the unrealistic expectation women (particularly Black women) have regarding men being monogamous in relationships. She asserted that as long as men were treating each of their women the same, what was the big deal about his actions. While she admitted that she didn’t like the practice of males who thought like this, she accepted it because there was nothing she (or any female) could do.
I decided to share the video on my story and boy oh boy were the responses interesting to say the least. More women than not agreed with her sentiment. I was shocked. I thought men would definitely acquiesce, but women? No way!
“What can you do? You just have to roll with it,” said one female friend.
“She’s right,” said another. “I would not stay with my man if he lived like this, but many do and the women are okay with it.”
“Tell me where’s the lie,” a third friend added.
Damn, am I the only one who is holding on the ideology that being in a monogamous relationship is possible? Do we as women have to settle for being ‘one of’ his instead of his one and only?
I actually convinced myself that monogamy was not possible a few years ago, but I think that was more about me thinking I had to go with the status quo as opposed to truly believing what was in my heart—one man and one woman can be happy with each other without the added assistance of an outside party. But when I took a step back and looked at what I wanted my future to look like I realised that I was fooling myself.
I cannot be with a man knowing that he is loving or sexually involved with another woman.
I’d rather be alone.