Lately, I’ve been having recurring thoughts around feeling alone. I don’t mean alone like there’s no one in my life. I have a great supportive family, and my husband is fantastic.
I’ve felt this building because I’ve been on a personal journey of higher consciousness. It came to the forefront when my best friend and daughter were out of town; two people that I share a deep connection with, who I can confide my deepest fears and struggles. It dawned on me that there was no one else.
I realised that in their lives, they both respectively have other people they could lean on, talk to, or spend quality time with outside of me. I do not. Not to mention, they both live over an hour away from me. I’ve been feeling a void so much so that I jokingly confessed that I needed to make some new friends. Not a busload, maybe just two.
I saw a NY Times article online about why it was hard to make friends after 30, and it had me pondering if this was indeed my issue. One thing that resonated with me was my pickiness. I realised that I have high standards in this area of my life, but now I questioned if those standards were beneficial to me or an excuse for not making new friends.
I feel like you get to a certain point in time in your life where you’ve been through the BS, and you know you’re in search of something more than a superficial friendship. I was finding that I was really in search of deep connections but not having the ability to find them. I don’t want to gossip or chit-chat. I want friends who are on the same level as me or higher in pursuit of truly living out their best life.
I think it has been difficult to cultivate new friendships because I realise that not everyone will understand my vision. Nor will they be on my level, and let’s be for real, not everyone wants to me succeed. Honestly, I just don’t know if I have the energy.
It’s so important as women to have other women in our life who edify, pray, and lift us up. We need deep connections with women who want the very best for us, who can see outside of what we can see, who can speak life into our situations. Women who would not be afraid to tell you that you messed up and not judge you for messing up.
Having received some clarity around this, I now know that I have built up a wall because of the deep connections I create, warranting a high level of vulnerability. A vulnerability I have decided I am ready to experience. Since I am now open to new relationships, I thought I would share how I intend to find them, and maybe you can too.
Attending conferences such as the Women’s Empowerment Summit in Bermuda (where I will be presenting a workshop) strategically positions you to find other women who are on the same level as you or just above you. It’s powerful because you already have a growth mindset, and you probably know what it feels like to talk to someone that doesn’t. It’s draining and will suck you dry of any inspiration you have been storing up for yourself. In 2020 I will be attending more conferences, workshops, and networking events with the intention of building meaningful relationships.
Take up a new hobby
Where are your people? My people are planner people, book readers, paper crafters, and hand lettering people. In 2020, I plan to spend less time looking at the negativity on Facebook and being more active in groups. Finding people in groups can be difficult because, true story, they can be crazy, but my last suggestion should help you out.
Define what connection means to you
I am still working through this, but if I want my walls to come down, I need to define what connection means to me. One thing I know for sure is that integrity and authenticity are vital in my relationships. Someone who professes a perfect life in an online space and life, in reality, is a hot mess would not connect well with me. I intend to create a value list for the top 5 values I see in the deep connections I have now. I’m also going to define what makes me feel deeply connected to them.
Evaluate your relationships
My circle is so small, ok, tiny, but there are a few people who I can bring down my wall even more. If you find that you have friends in your life that aren’t adding value, maybe it’s time to put them up for demotion. Toxic friends take up time and energy. If you do the values exercise above, measure them up against it, and make a choice. Removing toxic friendships makes you available to see new connections.
Figure out what you need to fill your cup
What would it take to be a great sista friend to you? If you don’t know, here’s a fun way to get clarity. I want you to create a fake ad, ” FRIEND WANTED.” Now list out the characteristics and attributes. Whoever answers the ad should have the “job”!
Telanna is a businesswoman and personal excellence coach. Through her free resources and personal coaching, she helps moms manage their time effectively so can live out their purpose, by permitting themselves to do what they love. Find her on Facebook and Instagram @purposemindedwoman and on Twitter @PurposeMWoman.
She will also be presenting a workshop at the fourth annual Women’s Empowerment Summit, on November 16, 2019, which will be held at the Whitney Institute Cafetorium. Tickets are available online at www.ptix.bm.