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SheMail: My friend loves drama! Should I stay away from her?

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Dear SheMail,

I have a good friend who I adore but she’s always arguing with other females about everything, so when we go places I always feel like something is going to happen. I don’t want the drama (I’m mid-30s) but I don’t want to cut her off. I really enjoy being in her presence. How do I get her to see that her way just doesn’t work anymore at our age?

GROWN UP

Dear Grown Up,

Sometimes people are stuck in their ways and have to grow up in their own time (which may be never). If you enjoy being in her presence than only be in her presence when it doesn’t entail going places that may potentially pose that situation. Go to lunch at different locations, have some beach days (it’s still hot over here in Bermuda!). But ultimately yes, I would still very much talk to her and tell her how you feel about her antics.

Be prepared that she may say it’s not her but it’s the other females, and yes, although sometimes this may be true, give her examples or situations of what you mean. If she does not adjust her behaviour, be selective in the things you do or places you go with her. But at least talk to her to give her that chance to try and change. She may not even realise it’s something she does if it’s never been pointed out as being a problem.

Sometimes people grow in age but not in maturity.

Be Firm. Be Open. Be Honest

Hi SheMail,

I have an issue and would like some feedback. I am in the process of divorcing. The divorce is not finalised. I met this guy who invited me to dinner. I met him, had a few drinks, ate, made light conversation, went dutch (my insistence), told him that I was in the middle of a divorce and was not interested in a relationship.

The next couple of days he is texting me all day. I eventually let him know that I am not into non-stop texting and that I am busy at work. So he slows the texting down the next day. But that night he invites me over to his place to watch movies. I declined and told him that I would prefer to not to meet like that and I suggested some simple more public things that you might do when first meeting someone. A few days go by and we are chatting like normal and out of the blue he suggests a late night beach date. Do I simply not respond or tell him to ***off?

DATING IS HARD

Dear Dating Is Hard,

I think that you are handling your situation delicately as you should. I would suggest that instead of outright telling him to ****off maybe you should try to tell him again verbally what your expectations are (i.e. no late night beach nights, private home visits, only public-day time or early evening situations). People who have not been through a marriage let alone a divorce may not have the knowledge of the emotions or lack thereof that a person has to endure. Then you have some people who simply are so used to today’s “dating” scene (i.e only talking via text or whatsapp and “hooking up”) that they have no knowledge about REAL dating, and that too is okay, for SOME people.

If you honestly feel that this guy just simply isn’t getting it, then I would recommend that you just say, “you know what, it was nice meeting you but we simply can’t be anything more than friends”, and be about your merely way.

Stay true to you. Always. In all ways.

Dear SheMail,

I’ve met a guy who I care about deeply but he is very mean to me at times. He shouts at me for no reason and holds on to grudges when we don’t agree. I want to walk away from him but I do love him. What do I do?

I FEEL LIKE A CHILD

Dear I Feel Like A Child,

You have to evaluate your self-worth. Ask yourself these questions: How much can you really take? Do you think if you tell him your concerns he will change? Are you willing to endure what he dishes out until he changes or while you wait to see if he is going to change? Is love really enough to stay? What does love mean to you?

You may love him but you have to determine if that love is reciprocated. Maybe he is going through something that is stressing him out and the easiest person that he can take his stress out on… is you. Sometimes, it may be how that person sees themselves or in this case you.

You should always follow your gut. Your instincts are hardly ever wrong. In life, we have many signs that try and speak to us in many situations, but it’s up to us to see and take heed of those signs. Often times once out of that situation, we look back we see all the signs clearly. Only you can make that decision to stay or leave, but if you answer those questions above truthfully your answer will be there. If you’re still not sure, once you answer those questions, sleep on it or let it resonate to see if you come up with the same truthful answer…after that you’ll know what to do.

But you have to be honest with yourself.  Everyone falls to their own wants, so don’t be too hard on yourself.

Accept your decisions. Live life Happily. Live for YOU!

Dear SheMail,

I don’t socialise much and my friends are telling me to try internet dating. I know there are people who have tried it but I am afraid of meeting new males, even if it’s in a neutral space. But I am lonely. Is there a safe way to cyberdate?

DO I DOT COM?

Dear Do I Dot Com,

As I read this, I smiled. I completely understand as there are many cat fishing situations going on.

First, you have to decide the extent of your “cyberdate”. Do you want to just meet people and talk in friendly conversations and network or do you want to meet people to eventually engage in a relationship? You may not know initially and that is okay, you can always go with the flow and see how things go. Some things are not for everyone so what works for your friends may not work for you. You may find that just emailing someone on a friendly level may be enough to minimise your loneliness. You would be surprised how many people feel the same as you do.

Sometimes you have to step out of your comfort zone but only when you are ready. You may not like meeting strangers because you have had a really horrible past, and you are within your right to feel the way you do. Remember the saying Stranger, Danger! It is real and so many people are fake.

However, touching back on my first note, you have to determine what you are looking for from cyberdating. The safest way is to always be smart and do not give out your personal details. Things can become a bit tricky but meeting new friends that you get a general good energy from can be very therapeutic.

Before you try that, maybe your friends can take you on an outing where some potentials that they know of, who they KNOW you will feel comfortable with, will be there? That is also an option. But with everything take your time in making your decision.

Go Slow. Have an open mind. Be willing.

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