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SheMail: My son’s girlfriend is physically abusive but he won’t leave her!

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Dear SheMail,

My son is involved in an unhealthy relationship with his girlfriend. They argue all the time and she hits him from time to time. Sad part is that he hits her back despite me and his father telling him that that is not the right thing to do. We have told him constantly to leave her alone, but he refuses. We are so angry with him! We have spoken to her parents but they refuse to intervene, saying that she is old enough to make her own decisions. Last month, the Police had to be called and he was arrested, then released. And he still won’t leave her alone. We have told her to stop hitting off him but she continues so this insanity never stops. How can we get him to see that this will lead him to nowhere fast?

FED UP

Dear FED UP,
 
Sigh….Unfortunately, I hear about these cases far too often. It’s a sad reality of today’s society. For the parents, I know this can be tortuous, which is probably why the girl’s parents are choosing to stay out of it, because who really knows how many times they have tried to stop her behaviour?  Yes, it’s wrong for a male to hit a female, however it’s also wrong for a woman to put their hands on a man. Eventually people get tired and it’s natural to retaliate. Have you thought about calling the police on her when she puts her hands on your son? Parents can file with the police as well, especially if it’s disrupting your household.
 
I can say what you want to hear, as a mother go and tear that girls a** up for touching your son, but that wouldn’t lead you anywhere or make this situation any better. Your son needs to see things from his parents’ view. Sit him down and ask him if he had a child and witnessed what you are witnessing what his thoughts would be? Mom, ask him if he constantly saw that behaviour happening to you what would he do, or want to do?

Don’t give him an easy way out if he says he doesn’t want to talk about it, or  asks you to stay out of it. Approach this situation delicately and choose your words wisely. You can always offer counselling for the both of them IF they insist on being together. The girlfriend may see this in her home or even around her peers on a regular basis. We just don’t know, but the most important thing to do is find the root cause and manifest a better behaviour.  
 
Your son may be so caught up on her, who knows what she is saying in his ear and vice versa. Sometimes the toxicity only stops when it topples over, (jail or worse). Sometimes people feel that it will happen no matter what relationship they are in and that is the perception that has to change. You have to build up your son’s self-esteem and try and replace the damage that she has created. Because even in his next relationship he may be in tune with what he has become used to, and it may happen again.
 
Ask questions not only to listen but to understand. 

Dear SheMail,

I do not get along with my father. He has never really been involved in my life. When I had my child, I asked my father to play a role in their life because I didn’t want them to have the same relationship as we had. He agreed and came around for a little but faded away through the years. Now my child is in their 20s, they want nothing to do with their grandfather, although I tell them that I do not approve. How do I salvage this relationship? I cannot force a 20-something to do something they don’t want to do, but I don’t want it to be another generation of disconnection.

HELP!

Dear Help!
 
I think it’s a little hypocritical that you will encourage your child to have a relationship with their grandfather, but you do not get along with him. I commend you, for reaching out to your father when your child was smaller, however kids are very resilient and form their own emotions and feelings with the adults that are in their life.

If their grandfather started out being in their life and then faded away its not much you can do.  I can completely understand how your 20-something year-old feels. They are a young adult and I am sure they have evaluated the relationship or lack thereof that they have had with their granddad. If they have made it this far without the encouragement, support and guidance from him, I don’t see how more beneficial being in their life would be. Yes, they may have “adult” experiences they can share with their grandchild but as far as raising them I don’t see how much of a role they can play. Your child is simply finding their own path and at the very least wants your understanding as to why they feel the reason they do towards their grandfather.
 
We can’t force grown-ups to be an adult and do the right thing. This cycle can be broken when your child has a child and you as a grandmother are an active role in your grandkids’ lives. YOU can show them how a grandparent is vital in a child’s development and how that role should be played. You won’t only be teaching your grandkids but you will also show your child how to handle that role when or if it’s their turn.  
In the end it’ll be your father’s loss.  
 
You Tried. Don’t beat yourself up. Let it go for now.
 
Dear SheMail,

I was married at 19 and am now 25 with a two-year-old. I am unhappy because I think that I got married too young. I have no career and no education and am frustrated. I talked to my husband about returning to school to get a degree and while he says he supports me, I know him well enough to know that he doesn’t truly mean it. His mother never really worked and his father has always been her provider. I do not want this to be me. How do I better myself without offending him? This isn’t about hurting him but more about elevating myself.

WANT MORE

Dear Want More,
 
I think this is an excellent choice.  I will say that age is nothing but a number, but being in a constant routine is what can be making things unhappy for you. You probably never thought you would just be a housewife and that be it. As a husband who wants the best for his family, he should never feel offended by his wife bettering herself.. This is a good look, not just for you but as a role model for your child. You’ll be showing them that no matter what situation, your education is something that can never be taken away from you.
 
If you are serious about school look at some courses you are interested in taking and see if you can enrol in an online course and take it from there.   
 
Education is evaluating. Go For it. Good Luck.
 

Dear SheMail,

My best friend is about to be fired. The person who told me swore me to secrecy. I want to tell her so bad, but I think she will lose her temper and say something before they say anything to her. The fingers will then point to me. She has children so I think she needs to know so that she can start looking for something else. Do I say something or keep my vow of silence?

DILEMA

Dear Dilemma,
 
Has your friend ever talked about her job in a bad or disgruntled way?   Is she unhappy at this place?  This puts you in a very  tricky situation because you swore to secrecy. Were you told why they want to fire her? If, yes, is it something she can change? If the answer is yes, and it’s something she can work on and change, I would go that route. Talk to her about the behaviour that has got them potentially wanting to fire her. Hopefully she sees her wrongs and makes adjustments.  
 
The only thing I can say is, if it was you, would you want to know? 
 
Tread Lightly. Good Luck.

 

Do you have a question for SheMail? Email shehubtv@gmail.com.

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