Who hasn’t made a mistake in life? No matter how big or how small, it sometimes can be difficult for us to receive forgiveness from the one person who we need it from the most…ourselves. In this powerful letter, Gina (not her real name) pens this powerful letter…and you’ll be surprised who is the recipient.
Sometimes I really DO.NOT.LIKE.YOU. Nah… worse than that. I can’t stand you. … I hate you. More than that I F***ing hate you. I don’t use that word lightly. In fact I never use that word. Except in this instance when thinking about you. And when I do, I go from whispering it, to muttering it, to yelling it, to screaming it until my lungs are exhausted and deflated like party balloons at the end of a party left unwanted as of no use.
I scream it over and over again until my throat is scratchy and voice is hoarse, left only with a whisper. While when I scream, ‘I hate you’ I’m left feeling tired and hollow as if I’m a gutted fish or better yet a corpse after an autopsy has been performed.
Sometimes I hate the words you say and how you think. The words you speak can be nasty and uncouth, said without care…nonchalantly, sometimes as if the other person has no feelings. Words spoken without even touching your tongue so that you can taste if they are bitter or sour or sweet, spewing out of your mouth not giving you enough time to chew them to see if the words are tender or tough.
Your thoughts are often reflected in your actions… or lack thereof. You claim to feel one way and act the opposite and vice versa. Your actions and bad decisions at times come across selfish causing a widespread ripple effect indirectly impacting those you love the most.
I hate how callously insensitive and overly sensitive you can be at the same damn time. How can one person not have a heart yet still have a soul? I hate that you don’t try harder to be a better parent… didn’t try harder at co-parenting because it would get too difficult to navigate through the challenges that come with two parents who don’t see eye to eye especially when years of hurt have passed between them.
I hate that you take from those who love you the most and somehow you can never can express gratitude sufficiently enough for them to know how you truly feel. I hate that you lack the sticktoitness that could have lead you to being more successful; I hate that you squandered your brains. I hate that you made really shitty relationship choices choosing people that were bad for your heart. I hate that you overlook all the good qualities about yourself. The fact that you love people entirely, forgiveness given easily despite residual scars left from the fights.
The fact that you may not always be the best parent but you’re a present loving mother who despite her flaws wants to do better. The fact that you have struggled to go back to school to fulfil your dream and 14 years in you’re almost there, at the finish line. The fact that you love those who are dearest to you and hate to see them hurt; that you offer your honest opinion even if it’s unpopular.
The fact that you are genuine and flawed makes you even more relatable. The fact that you sing loud in the car and dance in the stores with your children, the children who you love, who lay in your bed showing a need to be close to you and you let them… even when sometimes it can feel suffocating.
The fact that you’ve become more independent than you thought possible. That your beauty is there even when extra pounds and aging feel like they overshadow it. That you’ve grown as a person and continue to strive for growth. Ultimately I hate that I treat myself so insensitively, that I’m not more careful with my own needs and heart. I hate that I don’t grant myself the same forgiveness that I give willingly and freely to others. I hate that I don’t love me how I deserve to be loved.