HERStory: ‘I’m not a home-wrecker…you can’t help who you love’

The other woman.

The term is often hated and vilified by many, especially by married women whose husbands have them.
Homewreckers. Sluts. Whores. Those are terms often slung at women who choose to get involved with married men, but are they really the bad people in the situation.
“No,” says Alaina (not her real name). “It takes two.”
Alaina has been involved with a married man for a number of years. She says they love each other deeply and their relationship is not a secret—not even to his wife.

“There’s nothing she can do about it,” she tells SheHub frankly.

And while she says she has no remorse about being in a relationship with a married man, Alaina says she will never date a man who belongs to someone else again.
Here, she talks to me about the years she has given this man, and how their love is not going anywhere anytime soon, despite them going through a break-up at the time of interview.

CZ: What attracted you to this man? Was he the first married man you’d ever been involved with? If so, were you nervous at first?

A: At first I wasn’t at the least bit interested in him. To be honest, I think it was his humour, it intrigued me. I love a good laugh. He was the first married man I had ever been with. I wasn’t nervous at all.

CZ: Why wasn’t it just a one-off?

A: He took me to a fancy restaurant for a lovely evening.  Keep in mind we had conversed for quite a time over the phone or him taking me for walks during my lunch hour. We spent long hours on the phone talking about what we want in life, etc.

CZ: Do you think his wife knew? Did she ever approach you?

A: His wife did know from the beginning. Before we went to dinner, I had actually asked if she was ok with it, and she agreed. She didn’t like all of the time he spent with me (every evening) but she knew it didn’t make sense trying to keep him away from me because she could tell he was really into me. She was sort of jealous, to be quite honest. She approached me over the phone, but I didn’t really respond. I felt it was for him to do that, not me.

CZ: Did you ever feel guilty?

A: I’ve never felt guilty, ever.

CZ: Did you ever hold out hope that he would leave?

A: I did hope that he would eventually leave her, but this was not until at least two years into our relationship. I felt that she used him financially and had no drive to encourage him in his career or life. I felt he needed a more independent woman, as he was quite independent and I think he needed that extra push from me to do better with his life.

CZ: Would you allow him around your children? How did you explain that to them?

A: He was around my children on a daily basis. He would read to them, have long conversations and give them advice, pick them up from school if I worked late. They love him, and he genuinely loves them. I never actually explained anything to them. They just knew that we were in a deep relationship, and could clearly see our love for one another. I also spent time with his child, and had her overnight at times.

CZ: Did you ever see him out in public with his wife/family? Did you speak? How did it make you feel?

A: I rarely saw him in public with his family, but when I did on that odd occasion I would speak, have a convo as per norm. Never ever hid our relationship. It made me feel bothered at times, but I didn’t dwell on it.

CZ: What do you say to women who think the man will leave his wife?

A: I would say it’s not that he doesn’t love you, but as the saying goes…it’s cheaper to keep her. In my case it actually was. There was a business and children involved. I feel that a man will only leave his wife, if she actually makes the first move to divorce. If she isn’t the one doing it, he most likely wouldn’t.

CZ: What do you say to those who may consider you a home wrecker?

A: I would tell them to mind their business, especially if they aren’t aware of the dynamic of the situation. Anyone that knows me and him, know that I didn’t push it, they know that he was very persistent and would do anything for me, without me asking.

I wouldn’t consider myself to be a home-wrecker. He came on to me, and came into my life willingly. I didn’t ask or push it. We genuinely love each other, but sometimes the extra people trying to be involved contributes to us arguing, fighting, etc. Weirdly, I get more disrespect or dirty looks from women that are interested in being with him (sexually) then I get from the one person that I would expect it from (the wife).

CZ: Do mistresses get a bad rep? 

A: Of course! And sometimes it’s not entirely our faults. It takes two.

CZ: Do you hold out hope that you can reconcile?

A: We have broken up a few times, but we always find our way back into each other’s arms. We love each other, and still  spend every day talking to each other, actually trying to work out the best thing to do. He doesn’t want to ever be without me in his life, and me either. We are sort of addicted to each other.

CZ: You spent many years with this man. Was there no single man out there who was attracted to you?

A: I spent almost 8 years with him. Nope, I have many men that are interested in me, but the love I have for him would override any other man’s attraction to me. Maybe one day I will consider being with someone else on the same emotional level, who knows what the future holds.

CZ: Would you ever date a married man again?

A: No, I would never date another married man ever again. I wouldn’t wish the stress on my worst enemy. But, you can’t help who you love, or who loves you back.

CZ: Did you care if anyone knew about the affair?

A: We both didn’t care who knew. We went many places together (in his car or my car) grocery store, movies, dinner, you name it. His family and my family all knew.

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