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SheMail: Does the past matter?



Dear SheMail,

I am at the end of my rope! I am with a man who is the sweetest person when he is sober but tends to get nasty when he’s drunk. He says mean things to me if he feels like he is not getting his way, and has even gone as far as blocking me from contacting him for a day. But when I do it too, he gets furious.

He is not drunk every day, but I hate when he drinks because I feel like it’s a Dr. Jekkyl/Mr. Hyde situation. It is draining me but I love him (he always apologises for acting like an idiot). What should I do?

Stuck with the bottle

Dear Stuck,

Unfortunately, I can’t tell you what you should do. It’s so easy for someone to say, “Why are you putting up with this behaviour? There’s no way I would tolerate this”.

Situations with matters of the heart becomes very tricky. How can it be measured? This scenario is not unfamiliar to women and trust me you are not alone. But let me ask you something, that you may want to consider to help bring you to your own answer. How long have you been dealing with this behaviour? What is the cause of his drinking? Why does he look at you as a target of his banter? Does he only treat you like this?

My advice to you is that we only live ONCE, and in this life first and foremost you must be happy. Stress kills. You didn’t touch on if  any children are involved in this relationship, but I will broach that if you do have kids then first you must put your child’s happiness before yours and make their living atmosphere pleasant.  Now back to you, you shouldn’t have to live with the feeling that you don’t know what person he will be today or the next. If this has been happening for an extended period of time, and he has always relied on saying he’s sorry and you have forgiven then unfortunately he has adapted to that learned behaviour. He can drink and become Dr.Jekyl/Mr. Hyde and  say his sweet apologies and you will deal with it and forgive him until the next time. My question to you is how long are you willing to deal with this?

Sometimes we must ask ourselves, is love enough or does my happiness mean more to me? Tell him that you love him his behaviour when he drinks is unhealthy your relationship. Him behaving this way because he can’t get his way, is brat like behaviour and you are not his mother you are his woman. Him blocking you for even a minute is too much. If you both are in a mature and loving relationship he shouldn’t even have that thought of blocking you, and you should not ever play the tit for tat game, it’s too draining. Never lower your standards for the ‘game playing’ in your relationship.

If he truly values this relationship then you will see he is trying his best to change after you have had your talk. If there is no change than you can base your answer on his actions. Remember this: Every action has an equal and opposite reaction, and you will get out of any situation what you allow.  I wish you the best in this situation.



Dear SheMail,

My new girlfriend doesn’t want to know anything about my past. If I talk about a previous experience in the context of whatever we are talking about, she gets mad. I do not harp on the past but I think it’s important to understand where someone is coming from. She reveals nothing about her past life and that frustrates me. Am I selfish for wanting to know (and sharing) more?

Sharing is Caring

Dear Sharing is Caring,

You are not selfish in wanting to know more or sharing more for that matter. But you must understand that everyone’s past can be a little tricky. Your new girlfriend may have had a past relationship that as soon as she opened up about her past she was constantly targeted by hurtful words or criticised.

You say it’s new so give it some time, but let her know why you want to discuss the past. Let her know your intentions are genuine and solely for the purpose of knowing what NOT to do in this relationship. You know that talking about her past is one of her triggers. Let her know that you want this relationship to work and in order to do that you must know how to broach certain discussions.

When you talk to her about this try to make the setting a bit relaxed. 

Let her know that you just want her to agree to try and open up and if it gets too emotional for her then as a man try and understand her hurt. But again, I’m not telling you to pacify her. Just understand her in another way.

You may just tell her to listen and not to get frustrated, that you want her to hear where you are coming from about your past hurts, and happy times but that you want to create better happy times with her, and your merely sharing your interest.

Sometimes people have a hard time separating their previous relationships from their current, it’s up to her to share with you simply so you can break that cycle from her past to your current relationship.



Dear SheMail,

I have been sleeping with a guy for three years and I’m starting to fall in love with him. But we have a problem…he is married. He says he doesn’t love his wife and is only with her for business reasons. I know my place but I want more. He takes good care of me but rarely spends the night. I know he’s someone else’s man but am I wrong for wanting more from him?

I Want More

Dear I Want More,

You may not like my response, but hey, you asked. You already know your place so, you should know that you can always want more but that doesn’t mean it’s right. 

I don’t judge anyone or knock an individual’s decisions, but If you knew he was married before you engaged in this you should have considered all possible  scenarios. Does he get mad if you decide to speak to or deal with another man? If he does, he is being a typical man and he wants his cake and wants to eat it too. If he doesn’t, he knows he can’t or it simply doesn’t matter. I’m not saying he doesn’t have feelings for you or have love for you, but when someone is in love with you they want all of you, including your happiness.

Maybe you should tell him that you want more and see what he has to say, but keep in mind there’s a catch 22….if you tell him you may not like what he says and he may distance himself from you.  Are you willing to take the gamble?

You are not selfish for wanting a proper relationship but you are selfish because what you want, rightfully belongs to someone else by the title of marriage.


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