Wasting years waiting for love

Stacey (not her real name) is a successful businesswoman. Attractive and armed with a magnetic personality, she loves her life but one thing is missing–a man who she can call her own. She has been dating Isaac for four years, but nothing tangible has materialised. He is commitment phobic and has another woman in his life! Stacey is at the end of  her rope because she is convinced he will never honour her in the way it she wants it the most: to become his partner. Here she bares her soul on what she’s come to realise is a very hopeless situation.

I have finally realised that this man is not for me. It’s been four years of me wanting him to love only me while knowing he was in some kind of relationship with someone else. I say ”some kind” of relationship because no one, not even them, could tell me what they were to each other. I loved this man with all my heart and listened to the lies and false promises that kept me tied to him each day.  He gave me hope that one day he would be with me. He constantly assured me that he was going to get rid of her, that they had no future, but yet she still remains in his life. It’s not like I wasn’t warned though, but I saw qualities of a wonderful man who I thought would make me a great mate one day.

His sweet words and promises kept me on a high. He gave me just enough to keep me there, holding on.  We did nothing together unless it was at my house. He promised to do things with me but always bailed out; he always had excuses and still I stayed while this woman he was supposedly getting rid of, remained in his life.  But this woman who he chooses to stay with is one who he disrespects so badly.

I would ask him questions about them.  Do you love her?  His response: “No, I wouldn’t say that.”

He’d say that they had no future and he was working on getting her out of his house. He constantly lied about their interactions. He denies her to his family and friends. Once, I even heard him curse her out badly. And she uttered nothing in return. She now hates me, but won’t leave him. Ten years and counting…

Eventually, he started to treat me as he did her, but he didn’t deny me to his family and friends. And still this woman remained. I held on to thinking still that he just needed time to get her out of his life. But how long does something like this take? And why is this woman still there if he doesn’t like her and doesn’t want her in his presence? Nobody keeps anyone around who they don’t want.

This situation taunted and baffled me every day but still I put up with it. I would see her car at his house and he would deny she was there. Bold face lies he would tell. He would tell me she came for his dog or to pick up money he owed her.  But at midnight?  This woman catered to him…all while he was dogging her out!!  She felt because she spent nights with him that she had him, and in my mind she did because he wasn’t with me and it ate me to the core.

As time went on he kept disappointing me. Despite how much he claimed to love me and wanted a future, he showed me nothing. It was all words.

I was growing tired and I started to think of this woman a lot and how my life with him would be just like hers with him and I knew that’s not what I wanted in my life.  The straw that broke the camel’s back was when he made a big promise at a significant time in my life and he broke it with no regard for my feelings.

He knew how important it was for me and he promised to share it with me and then bailed out. I was beyond hurt and to this day cannot forgive him nor get past it. He couldn’t be there for me at a time when I needed him the most.

His apologies couldn’t cut it this time. My heart was hurting. Ironically, he did the same thing to ‘her’.  He didn’t support her and felt that that was okay.  These situations opened my eyes.  I couldn’t do this anymore.  I saw that this man was selfish and loved nobody but himself. I feel he doesn’t know how to love due to his failed marriage.  His his wife cheated on him and he never really dealt with that. I’m no psychologist but I feel his past is having a great impact on his ability to trust, be honest and fully love again.  I am not making excuses for him, but I truly feel he loves me, but love isn’t supposed to hurt like this.

I often think about ‘her’.  I’ve only had four years of this; she’s had over 10, maybe 15.  How can she still hold on?

But as strange as it sounds, I would love to sit and talk to her, woman to woman, because she must be experiencing what I am and I would love to help her and give her the encouragement to move on from him with me.

You see, I never laughed when he dogged her out and lied about her.  I always told him that he is disrespecting her and it’s not nice, but his responses always showed that he did not care and his reactions always stuck in the back of my mind.  But I know she would never talk to me as I caused her grief and pain.  But he is causing her more pain; I know this for a fact.

I just can’t be with a man like him any longer. The lies hurt. The false promises hurt. The disappointments hurt. The expectations that are not fulfilled hurt- and I’m tired of being hurt!  So I’m trying to be strong enough to walk away for good. It’s still fresh so I’m battling with this – sometimes I think she has won – but what has she really?  She is a much older woman than I and probably feels that she won’t find another man to love her, but she deserves more than he is giving her and so do I.  I just see myself becoming her and I definitely don’t want that!  Sad part is this man has no idea how much he has hurt me because he can’t see past his own needs and hurts.

Recently, I took the time out for myself to think and reflect. I shed many tears and now I think I am ready to begin the healing process. My head feels clear.

Every day I have the urge to call him but I believe the hurt and lies will continue, so I choose not to.

Whether he was really going to leave her to be with me, I don’t know, but I can’t stay with him and stifle the chances of me meeting someone else who really does want to love me unconditionally.

I know there is a man out there who can love me with honesty, kindness, and sincerity.

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