Hey Auntie,
I recently went through a breakup and can’t seem to move on. “Jason” and I were together for four years. We are both in our mid-30s and have great jobs. I really thought he was ‘the one’! We rarely argued and I thought he was happy. I’m not clingy, I had my hobbies, he had his, and we always had fun date nights. We didn’t live together, but our apartments are about three blocks apart. He told me that he had gone to lunch with a new co-worker and one thing led to another. He said he wanted to see “where it could go” with her. I’m devastated!! How can I heal and find closure?
CAN’T GET HIM OUT OF MY HEAD
Dear Can’t get Him Out of my Head,
YES YOU CAN!! I get it – you think a person is in it for the long haul, and then BAM – the floor falls out from underneath you! It’s happened to us all before. Here’s what’s worked for me – I give myself two or three days to feel sorry for myself. I lay on the sofa, eat ice cream and potato chips and pizza. Try it, then move on – keep yourself busy. Talk to your besties, take a class, start a new book (no romance novels!). After a few weeks, if you feel like things aren’t getting better, look into starting therapy. Sometimes, as wonderful as your BFFs are, you just need to speak to someone with some special training!! Good Luck Sugar!
Hey Auntie,
I have a new job. It’s in my field and the pay is great – more than I expected when I applied for this position. I have been working in this field for almost 6 years so I’m not a newbie. I’ve been experiencing some microaggressions – comments about my hair, name, even what I choose to eat for lunch. I’m one of two Black women on my team – there’s about 8 of us altogether. I’m also a bit older than most of them – they are all recent graduates. How can I address these subtle forms of bullying and create a more inclusive work environment?
TAKE THIS JOB &…
My Dear Take This Job &…
I know the feeling!! I know you said they pay you well, but I am going to guess it’s not enough to deal with the nonsense on a regular basis. These days some people feel like it’s appropriate to say whatever they want with impunity. Here’s what I suggest – it’s a lot so buckle up!!
Choose your battles. Not every situation requires immediate confrontation. Assess the context and decide whether it’s worth addressing the microaggression at that moment or if it can be dealt with later. Stay calm and composed when you address the microaggression. Responding emotionally may not lead to a constructive resolution. Take a moment to collect your thoughts before responding.
Express how the microaggression make you feel using “I” statements. Say, “I felt uncomfortable when you …” rather than accusing the other person directly.
Ask for clarification in a non-confrontational way, such as “Can you help me understand what you meant by that?” when hurtful statements are made. Often asking them to repeat will make them realize what they are doing and stop.
Clearly communicate your boundaries if the microaggressions continue. Let the person know that their comments or behavior are not acceptable, and you expect to be treated with respect.
Keep a record of each instance of microaggression, including dates, times, locations, and a brief description of what occurred. These notes will come in handy if you decide to escalate the issue.
Talk to trusted colleagues, friends, or mentors about your experiences. This can provide emotional support and guidance on how to navigate the situation.
If you feel comfortable, consider addressing the issue privately with the person involved. Share your perspective and give them an opportunity to understand the impact of their words or actions.
If the behaviours persist, consider escalating the matter to your human resources department or a supervisor. Provide the documentation you’ve collected and request their assistance in resolving the issue.
These are a lot of steps, but I promise you, they will all help to protect you and get the situation under control.
Hey Auntie,
My wife, ‘Carol’ and I are newlyweds – it’s been a year of consistent happiness – with ONE EXCEPTION – her mother!!! She lives in the same town – about 20 minutes away and seems to think she can just pop over when she feels like it. Recently, we decided to stay in and just have some ‘us time’ as we’d both had a rough week at work. Sunday, I got up and was in the kitchen – wearing nothing but the boxers she likes, making breakfast for us – this brotha can COOK!
Anyway, we were playing our favourite slow jams playlist – the plan was breakfast for TWO – in bed! I heard a noise and it was her mom, looking in the kitchen window. I went inside to get Carol so she could ask her mom to come back later. Next thing I know, MIL is in the kitchen eating my waffles!!! I was SO mad, I didn’t know what to do so I stayed in our room until she left. You know an argument followed!
This is just one example – she doesn’t know what boundaries are!! I need help!!
Sexytime was RUINED!
Dear Sexytime,
YIKES!! I feel your pain – you are truly caught between a rock – your lovely new wife, and a hard head – your MIL. It’ll be a difficult conversation, but you have to have it – with your wife – not her mom. That’s her daughter’s job! Explain to Carol that you feel violated when her mom just shows up without calling first – that’s basic respect. I’m sure you love your MIL, but she clearly needs some help navigating boundaries – having a son-in-law is probably new to her. Ask your wife to see if she can get her to agree to ALWAYS call before she comes over. It may be a good idea to make it a regular thing to invite her over for dinner – say every other Sunday. She likely misses her baby girl and this would meet a few objectives – she gets to spend time with her daughter, and you get to know your MIL a bit better. It’s win/win!
Have a question for Auntie? Email her at info@Shehub.tv.
