My bestie and I have been planning a trip for a year. It was supposed to be just us girls, celebrating my Masters degree, our new jobs and just plain old self -care. We’ve both been single for a while so this trip was supposed to be a TURN UP!!
She met a guy on a dating app not too long ago. He lives kind of far from where we live and they haven’t met in person yet – my girl is smitten. Now she doesn’t want to take the trip – unless he comes too. We’ve paid in full and spent about $2,000 each between airfare and an all-inclusive. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know this man at all to be travelling with him, and she doesn’t really know him either – he could be a stalker, or a catfish. I think she’s being stubborn and irresponsible. BFF OR BF?
Dear BFF or BF:
Sis. I think you and your bestie need to have a heart to heart. She needs to put on her big girl panties and be okay leaving her new boo – who isn’t really her man yet, for a few days. It’s not like you’re going to Afghanistan for a year. It’s a quick girls’ trip! Know that if she does go, she’ll probably be on the phone FaceTiming with him every day – and all night. Also understand that if she goes without him, she’s gonna be a grouchy b most of the time.
What I’d do is see if another girlfriend can go in her place and sell her spot to them. Understand this…at the end of the day, y’all’s friendship will probably never be the same, especially if she bails on the trip in the name of a man she hasn’t even been in the same room with.
My boyfriend and I are going through it. We don’t communicate at all. He comes home from work and goes straight to his office/man cave after he changes clothes and starts playing video games. I get a quick “Hey babe, how was your day?” But he doesn’t stay around to even hear my response. He comes out to eat dinner – that I cook, and then sits in front of the TV watching football. I’ve asked him before – more than once, if anything’s wrong, and he swears there’s nothing. I usually go to bed before he does (so there goes “sexy time”) and he gets up in just enough time to shower, dress and grab a sandwich before he goes to work. I’m afraid the “spark” is gone. We used to have such fun together. How can I improve our communication and intimacy? HOMIE, LOVER OR FRIEND?
Dear HOMIE, LOVER OR FRIEND?
Lil sis, if you’re old enough for a grown folk’s relationship you’re old enough to speak up. Tell him how you feel about the current state of your situation. It sounds more like y’all are roommates and not partners.
Cook his favourite meal one night. Set the table, light some candles. Have. A. Conversation. Say what’s on your mind. It’s difficult but you can do it. Schedule time every week or two when you just talk – you both say what’s on your minds.
Turn off the TV, put on some good ol ‘90’s slow jams and go for it. (You might find that this becomes your favourite night of the week 😉)
Check out the Love Language Quiz, too. If his language is quality time, then you can provide that for him. If he knows yours is gifts, he knows what will make you happy.
Maybe if you each figure out what works for you, it’ll help you communicate better. If none of that works, it may mean that it’s time to move on. You deserve a relationship that honours you!
I have a difficult family situation. I’m 25 and live with my mom, brother and aunt. They all think that because I have no kids, and am single, I am available to be their “errand person”.
“She can do it, she has time” is always the response when they need stuff done – whether it’s getting things from the store or walking the dogs. Last week, my cousin asked me if I would cut her grass because she “was exhausted from working all week”.
I work too – and I don’t live at her house. They expect me to cook dinner every night when I get home from work. Sometimes I don’t get home until 7:30 or 8 and they are just waiting. Last summer, my mom and aunt went on vacation and just assumed that I was going to take care of their dogs for two weeks. They didn’t even ask!! How can I set boundaries and maintain my own well-being? I AIN’T CINDERELLA!
Dear I AIN’T CINDERELLA!
Babygirl. Understand that even though we’re taught that “blood is thicker” sometimes we have to love family from a distance to protect our mental health – and reduce stress. Stress gives you wrinkles and you don’t want that!
It’s totally okay to limit your time with toxic people. Skip holiday gatherings if you feel like it. There’s no rule that says you have to spend them with your relatives.
Build your own “family”-friends you trust and can rely on. Sometimes the family we choose love and care for us – and are THERE – more than the families we’re born into. Find things to do that keep you busy – away from the house. Join a book club, gather up friends and make a standing happy hour date, take a craft/cooking class.
Trying to change or fix your problematic relatives is an exercise in futility. Accept that they are who they are. Period. Asking them to change will probably trigger them, and the next thing you know, you’ll be shouting and screaming – a whole hot mess! Know that their behaviour isn’t about you – it’s about them.
Put your own well being first, sis. It’s important!
Have a question for Hey Auntie! DM us on our social media channels! All letters are handled with the strictest confidence.