Amy (not her real name) knows what she wants and is unapologetic –to experience unconditional love with her soul mate. And until that day comes she has made a commitment–not to have sexual relations with anyone. While she says her vow of celibacy had no specific limit, Amy is now in her third year without sex (yes, THREE!) and says while the journey has been not always been easy, it is definitely worth the pot of gold she will find at the end of the rainbow.
Here is her story…
“When you start loving someone before you even figure out who you are, it can be completely disastrous. I fell in love at the tender age of seventeen. After graduating from high school, I met my summer love who turned into my ‘lifetime’.
“I suffered immensely during this relationship, because I didn’t know what real love was. Why? Because I didn’t love myself. There were years of pain. The relationship wasn’t all bad, but it wasn’t all good either. When the bad outweighs the good that’s when you should know you are in an unhealthy relationship. It came to a point where I didn’t see myself with anyone else. Feeling stuck, saying to myself, ‘Yeah this is my life; just deal with it’.”
Amy continues: “I believe in the zodiac, and the way the stars align; I was the forgiver, over and over. I believed in love and would never give up on it, and I always put everyone else first. Circumstances arose and I was no longer with this person whom I loved dearly.”
But instead of taking the time to heal from her emotional wounds, Amy decided to jump into another relationship, to her demise. What she discovered was although she was no longer with the same man, things remained the same.
“I fell in love all over again. But this was different, he was a different person. I was a different person or so I thought. We had this connection. ‘He loves me’, I thought. But I still didn’t love myself.
“I found myself in another unhealthy relationship as time progressed; dealing with mostly mental abuse. That really took a toll on me, I felt worthless, I felt like no one would EVER love me, so I was willing to work through it. Feeling helpless, willing to do anything in my power to make it work, I lost myself all over again. Why didn’t I take a timeout after my previous relationship?”
Fast forward to what Amy calls “the many lost lonely years”.
Then she had her epiphany.
“I stepped back and looked within and took control over my life. No more wasted years. I mean I was lonely in my relationships, so I figured why not be lonely without one, and self-reflect and learn to love me again? Why not, it seemed easy enough…. Boyyyy was I wrong. But I was determined.
“My journey started, with me simply putting myself first, not my children, not a man, but me. It was what I needed. I set goals and I accomplished every single one.”
Amy says she discovered who she was on a deeper level.
“I became one with myself and one with nature. I’ve always been a nature girl. I’ve always been in love with the simple things. Walking barefoot in the grass, spending hours in the ocean, just sitting outside basking in the ambiance watching sunsets, yeah that’s me and always has been and always will be.
“The biggest goal I set for myself was to not have any sexual relations with any man until we were both ready for pure unconditional love until our souls became one.”
When Amy planned to be celibate, she wasn’t sure for how long, but says it was not an easy feat: “I am a very sexual person, but sex is not something needed to be happy. I needed to love myself; I needed to put myself first. There was no way I was going to set myself back. I grew spiritually every day, making my journey that much easier. I eventually realised I didn’t choose celibacy, it chose me. In this physical realm we are given what we need. We may not understand but our journey makes us who we are. You can’t stay in unhealthy situations however, part of a journey or not, you need to raise your vibrations and live positively.
“I really never set out to do a year of no sex at all. It just happened that way. I was talking with a friend one day and they when they mentioned I’d gone ten months without sex, I could not believe how quickly time flew by.”
Amy is quick to admit, however, that being celibate has not been without its struggles.
“Men are such beautiful strong beings to me. The touch of a man is very hard for me to be without. Keeping myself very busy, meditation and the thought of me going backwards and falling into another trap has kept me grounded. Sitting home with idle thoughts can cause anyone to get in any sort of unwarranted situations.”
And, she adds, she is very upfront with the life she has chosen to lead: “I’ve been very open with men about my journey, some could not believe it, especially ones that have known me for years. I get mixed reactions from men I met for the first time. They ask me why would I want to do something like this. Some understand my decision and some don’t. Those who don’t, I won’t even entertain any sort of conversation; they’re not what I’m looking for in a soul mate or friend. A person should be open minded.”
Now entering her third year of celibacy, Amy says she has transformed.
“I’ve changed. I can breathe. I don’t need any validation from anyone let alone a male to make me feel good about myself. I can tell people no. I’ve been around men and I’ve dated and it’s so easy to say, ‘Yes let’s do the do, let’s get it on’. But hey, I can please myself if I wanted to, so what’s the sense? What I need is someone who has just as clear a mind as me, or working on it because no one is perfect. You need to stimulate me mentally, I’ve been satisfied physically over and over again, but what happens when that gets boring or you’re not attracted to each other? Can you talk about what’s going on in the world? Can you reflect? Are you spirituality matched? Can you just lay close and feel the energy of each other?
“I know exactly what I want in a man. I’m not looking for perfection, and trust me my list of dos and don’ts isn’t as long as the Nile river. I’ve always been able to read men. I’ve known their insecurities I’ve read their likes and dislikes. And I catered to that. I’ve always been the type of person to think I can fix a man, or if I stay around long enough he will see that I’m the one he needs to be with and he will change. Nope nope nope…that is something I will never ever do again. If he’s not already self reflecting and open and honest from jump, I’m jumping ship. I’m not one of those I’m independent I don’t need a man kind of woman. I want a man to build an empire with…. together! That’s what anyone should want.”
She tells SheHub, “Everyone has different desires in a partner. I’m easy just connect with me treat me how you would want to be treated be open and honest and you will forever have my heart.
Amy reflects on her three-year vow of celibacy.
“My first couple of months of celibacy were very hard, my second year was a breeze, now into my third year I find it very difficult. Might be because I have a little more time on my hands, or it could just be time for me to open up and officially let some in. I sometimes wonder if it’s a good or bad thing, as I am not getting any younger. In hindsight I realise I should have taken the time to know and love myself in my early years. It didn’t work that way for me, now I am completely accustomed to being with myself and dealing with my children.
“I long for the intimate touch of a male, but I don’t know if I can have someone in my space. However, only time will tell. Patience is a virtue and if something’s for me, I will know.”
She offers this advice, especially to young women: “Fall deeply in love with yourself first…deeply!”